Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Jerry Thornton on Tim Tebow

This may count as a guest blog, I'm not entirely sure because the author didn't submit it via e-mail and he technically didn't say we could post it. It was written by Barstool Sports Boston's Jerry Thornton. Like to the original post here, but I promise I didn't change anything in the translation. 

Like every other decent, God-fearing American football fan, I like Tim Tebow. (And like every other decent, Belichick-fearing New England football fan, I’m glad he’s the quarterback matchup we’re facing this weekend, given the way the pass coverage has been all season.) As it’s been said many times before, Tebow seems like a genuinely nice person and a great teammate and his emergence this year has been probably THE best, most entertaining story in all of sports in years.

I have one tiny, inconsequential concern though. Has it occurred to anyone else that Tim Tebow might be a little too good to be real? That maybe there’s something supernaturally sketchy going on here? I can’t help but think of something Albert Brooks says in “Broadcast News”:

“What do you think the Devil is going to look like if he’s around? Nobody is going to be taken in if he has a long, red, pointy tail. No. I’m semi-serious here. He will look attractive and he will be nice and helpful and he will get a job where he influences a great God-fearing nation and he will never do an evil thing… And he’ll get all the great women.”

I don’t pass myself off as a Bible scholar. But the Sunday mornings I’ve spent at St. Mary’s of the Sacred Heart haven’t been all about checking out the hot moms and setting my Fantasy lineup. I’ve learned a thing or two about the Scriptures. And it’s hard not to notice a few eerie similarities between Tebow and a certain biblical Supervillain:

The Antichrist will ride in on a white horse [Revelations 6: 1-2]

The Antichrist will be worshipped by many people [Rev 13:8]

He “does not regard the desire of women.” [Daniel 11:37]

The bible makes 25 unfavorable references to left-handedness. And the Latin word for left-handed is “sinister.”

The Antichrist’s arrival on the world scene will be accompanied by “wonders” (Denver’s opening kick hits the crossbar for a touchback and rolls back 30 yards and stops dead on the 20)…

… “signs” (a halo appears over Mile High)…

…”and miracles” (an 11-second overtime win in the playoffs).

His name will be associated with the number 666, “though not in an obvious way.” [Rev 13:17-18]

Some prophets interpreted a dream by Nebuchandnezzer with the arrival of the Antichrist and the End of the World. The dream involved a statue “with silver arms and chest, a bronze torso and thighs and iron legs.” [Daniel 3:16-18]

The Antichrist will be a king from a land to the north of Israel.

During his rise to power, a 7-year peace pact between warring nations will be negotiated, setting off a wave of euphoria. [Mathew 24:15]

The Antichrist will have compelling charisma and ability to communicate. “A mouth speaking great things.” [Rev 13:5]

His appearance will be one of “a fierce countenance” and “more stout than his fellows.” [Daniel 7:20]

He will appear to survive a fatal injury. [Rev 13:3]

And finally, the true Antichrist “will do as he pleases.” [Daniel 11:36]

It’s a tough call, so you draw your own conclusions.  The prospect of having to face this guy, plus all this Old Testament stuff, has me terrified beyond the capacity for rational thought right now.  @JerryThornton1

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