Tuesday, December 31, 2013

House of Cards Power Rankings: Chapter 3

We took this episode off. It was too difficult to split hairs between the characters because not a lot actually happened. We're going to carry the Chapter 2 scores/rankings over to Chapter 4.

To quote Francis Underwood, "I hate this small ball crap."

We don't think this looks sexually explicit. 

Monday, December 30, 2013

House of Cards Power Rankings: Chapter 2

There were a lot of characters in Chapter 2 that flexed a lot of muscle and threw up some pretty big numbers in the Power category. Or maybe Chris and I just inflated everything. Who knows. Here we go:

8. Rachel Posner - 5.1 points (Last week: Not ranked)
She might not even know how much power she has. But you get the feeling that since she's not a complete idiot, she might be able to turn her nighttime job into a recurring "let's ruin Russo's life" role on Team Underwood.

7. Remy Denton - 5.5 points (Last week: Not ranked)
He falls into a weird position between Claire and Frank. Claire can directly benefit from the money he and Sancorp can provide, but Sancorp's success depends a lot on what Frank does. It's a weird kind of non-romantic love triangle. Remy lost some points for choosing the money of corporate America over the power of political America. But he gained some back because the new Secretary of State supports his business.

6. Cathy Durant - 5.7 points (Last week: Not ranked)
Yes, that picture is from her days as President on 24. Yes, that probably influenced the rankings because we're big 24 guys. All of her points came from the fact that she's the new head of the State Department. Lots of Power, pretty significant Goal Accomplishment.

5. Roy Kapeniak - 6.1 points (Last week: Not ranked)
I couldn't find a picture of him so I just googled "dirty hippie" and picked the dirtiest of the hippies. He snuck up the rankings, because he hangs out with a naked stripper, backstabs significantly, accomplishes his goals in the process, and it all adds up to a pretty decent overall score.

4. Doug Stamper - 7.0 points (Last week: 8th)
Steals a quickie while he's paying off a prostitute. Power move. Ruins the life of a congressman because a more powerful congressman tells him to because it keeps him close to power. He scored fairly well on Goal Accomplishment, but only fairly well because "his" goals are actually "Frank's" goals.

3. Zoe Barnes - 7.5 points (Last week: 4th)
No Sex points (c'mon, writers) and a mild amount of backstabbing hurt Zoe. But her ability to basically decide who the new Secretary of State was resulted in the second-highest power score of any character. And it seems like her power is going to stay up in that range because Frank's tendency is to immediately text her when news happens.

2. Claire Underwood - 8.0 points (Last week: 3rd)
Absolutely ruthless showing out of Claire, making Evelyn fire everyone and then firing Evelyn. She cut nineteen people from the nonprofit and didn't bat an eyelash. She also convinced Frank to get in the habit of using the rowing machine. 

1. Francis Underwood - 8.5 points (Last week: 2nd)
A serious lack of airtime for the President moved Frank into first place for the first time. No shot that it's the last time though, because Frank seems to always manage perfect scores for Goals and Backstabbing. He's also supremely powerful because he has pawns everywhere. Media, Congress, Presidential staff, legislative interns, State Department, everywhere. 

Leave your thoughts in the comments or tweet us @bulletsblog!

Friday, December 27, 2013

House of Cards Power Rankings: Chapter 1

Going into the first episode, we assumed that the power rankings - and the airtime - would be split pretty evenly as the show introduced characters and plotlines. For the most part, that's the way it went. Here are your top eight players in the House of Cards world for Chapter 1:

8. Doug Stamper, 4.5 points (Last week: There was no last week)
The chief of staff on Team Underwood gets most of his power and goal accomplishment points from doing Frank's dirty work. He's also really scary looking, which I'm sure helps him in conversations where he has to intimidate the chief of police/potential future mayor of Washington. He feels like the kind of guy who is going to score big in the future based on his ability to ride coattails and screw people over.

7. Peter Russo, 5.4 points
It's an Agualarchy. It's ruled by water (and honestly, who the fuck knows? It could be. China is a huge question mark). Russo maxed out his Backstabbing points by lying to his campaign donors, his local government allies, a police officer, and his girlfriend. He also had the only sex scene of anyone who is ranked in the top eight. However, he is now completely submissive to Frank so his Power score is down in Janine/Lucas territory (they aren't ranked).

6. Michael Kern, 6.0 points
I couldn't find a picture of him from the show, but here's him in a turtleneck. Power and Goal points for the guy who is on track to be the Secretary of State, slight deduction for the plastic surgery. Not much else to say about him other than he was grilled in the hallway when he walked past Frank. 

5. Linda Vasquez, 6.3 points
Backstabbing Frank, keeping everyone in the dark about Kern, and being the gatekeeper for the leader of the free world means Linda had a big opening week. Sort of unrelated to the scoring, her quote about winning versus leading explains why Presidents run on platforms that say one thing and then don't necessarily stick to that when they're in charge. America. 

4. Zoe Barnes, 6.8 points 
HUGE episode for Zoe. Started by having her boss not know her name even though she's a smoke. Ended with a connection to the most powerful man in Congress. That's about as much as you can possibly do in terms of accomplishing your goals. She also received points for the Sexual category because of the picture above this and because of, "Oh, Brian, you're so sweet. But if I was going to fuck you, you'd know."

3. Claire Underwood, 7.3 points
Icy. Heartless. Connected. She scores fairly well in Power, Goals, and Backstabbing. No perfect scores in any of the categories, but she can tell her husband when he needs a haircut and she can tell her office manager when the office needs to be cut in half. I get the feeling that Claire won't fall far below the three spot in these rankings. 

2. Francis Underwood, 7.9 points
I don't feel good about not having him in the top spot. This look terrifies me and I really don't feel safe in my own house knowing that he might be out to get me. The big downfall for the first episode was his lack of Goal Accomplishment. He thought he had Secretary of State locked up, and he got blindsided. Claire said it best: "How could you not see this coming?" But he did score very well in Power, and it was capped off by his final scene. "Nobody can hear you. Nobody cares about you." I can't find it on YouTube and it's a major failure on the internet's part.

1. Garrett Walker, 8.5 points
President of the free world, check. Promised the number two ranked character a promotion, didn't give him the promotion, and then kept him around to help, check. 

Going to spend the entire season being crushed by Frank Underwood, check. 

Thursday, December 26, 2013

House of Cards Power Rankings: Introduction

If you have not yet watched the first season of House of Cards, you are missing out. The whole thing is on Netflix, and once you get hooked it should take you three to five days to finish. It's a political drama (which doesn't sound super interesting), but believe me when I tell you that it's a gripping show. As we write this introductory post, we are talking about how it's by far the most political show we've ever watched. For 21 year old kids, the most political show that's ever interested us was 24. Don't ask me to choose between Jack Bauer and Frank Underwood because I will not make that choice.

Just know that you should be watching House of Cards, and following along with our power rankings.  I've watched the whole first season. Chris has watched some of it. We're starting over (together) and doing an episode-by-episode power rankings on the blog. All of this will lead up to the launch of season two (also on Netflix) on February 14th.

Join in with us and give us your thoughts in the comments and on twitter. I'm @jaylike, he's @cmalone20, and the whole blog is @bulletsblog.

Here's how we're determining which of the characters is highest in the power rankings, out of ten points total:

  • Power (5.0 points) - Power is an ambiguous word. The President of the United States would seem to have the most power of anyone in the world. But we're thinking that we might find that he's handicapped by the other players in the government. So, for us, "power" just means "power" - it's entirely subjective. 
  • Goal accomplishment (2.0 points) - This is significantly less open for interpretation. Everyone in the show - executive branch, legislative branch, corporate world - has goals. Ability to accomplish those goals is important. 
  • Backstabbing (2.0) - Chris put it best: backstabbing is what puts people in the seats. It adds a whole level of intrigue to the show. Let's be honest. People stabbing people in the back is what makes politics interesting enough for a major television show. 
  • Sexual prominence (1.0) - Sex sells. Plus, it gives Kate Mara and Kristen Connolly some incentive to take their clothes off. 

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

NBA Nicknames: The good, the bad, and the nothing special

This is completely a ripoff of a discussion that Bill Simmons had with (Zach Lowe, I think but I forget) on the BS Report where they talked about doing a column ranking the NBA nicknames in terms of relevancy. In keeping with the theme that I’m completely copying Simmons’ whole schtick, this broke down into five categories for me (in order from worst to best):
  • This blatantly makes no sense but we all know why they’re called this
  • Why did you name your team this?
  • Nothing special, this nickname could work in any city/sport
  • Good try
  • Nailed it!

This blatantly makes no sense but we all know why they’re called this

30. Utah Jazz
29. Los Angeles Lakers

Which is greater: number of lakes in Los Angeles or number of jazz flautists in Utah?

Why did you name your team this?

Quick note on this category: we actually kind of know why they named these teams the way they did. But still…. Why?

28. Brooklyn Nets
Back when they were the New York Nets, they had the whole Nets/Mets/Jets thing going. Expect a name change soon. I’m sad to say that I can’t make any more Jay-Z references when I talk about the Nets.

27. Indiana Pacers
Loosely related to auto racing. Not even slightly related to basketball.

26. Los Angeles Clippers
You have to hope that LA gets San Diego’s Channel 4, because a Clipper is actually an old ship used in the Civil War era. Can’t make that up.

Nothing special, this nickname could work in any city/sport

25-19 (tie). Atlanta Hawks, Golden State Warriors, Memphis Grizzlies, Oklahoma City Thunder, Phoenix Suns, Sacramento Kings, Toronto Raptors

18-15 (tie). Chicago Bulls, Cleveland Cavaliers, Portland Trail Blazers, Washington Wizards

Broke it up into two subcategories (names I like and names I don’t). Quick notes: OKC was almost nicknamed the Twisters, which would have been awkward; Raptors was better when Bosh was their best player because he was also a mascot.

Good try I guess

14. New Orleans Pelicans
Only good if it gets shortened to Cans, because #MardiGras.

13. New York Knicks
I’m going to get a lot of shit for this, but Knickerbockers just doesn’t do it for me.

12. Dallas Mavericks

11. Charlotte Bobcats
Because there are bobcats in North Carolina. When they change to the Hornets, it will probably stay in this range. Allegedly, a British commander during the Revolutionary War referred to Charlotte was a nest of hornets. Not sure if he was referring to basketball, but I doubt it.

10. Detroit Pistons

9. Orlando Magic

8. Minnesota Timberwolves
Minnesota is the only state in the lower 48 with free-roaming packs of timber wolves, which is a little bit terrifying. Also, #VamosWolves.

7. Miami Heat
Because it’s hot in Miami! Get it?

6. Milwaukee Bucks
This is pretty hypocritical, but I like the nod to big buck hunting. Definitely a lot cooler than the Milwaukee White Tail Deer (the WNBA team).

Nailed it!

5. San Antonio Spurs
Spurs -> Cowboys -> Hard work/Not flashy -> Tim Duncan

4. Houston Rockets
The coolest part of the Rockets name is that the nickname originated when the team was in San Diego. And then they moved to the home of NASA and it just got that much better.

3. Denver Nuggets
Originally named for the Colorado gold rush of the 1800s. Now twice as awesome because, you know, Colorado. And nuggets.

2. Boston Celtics
I love Ireland.

1. Philadelphia 76ers

I love America more. 

Ranking the Country/Rap Collaborations

I feel like the title is the only description that you really need. Here we go:

Brad Paisley & Ludacris - Accidental Racist
I'm hesitant to even put this video in the blog. Just a terrible idea that was executed terribly.

Taylor Swift & T-Pain - Thug Story
I'm a tad biased here because I love Taylor but this is a really solid song in the Lonely Island-type of genre. Not so much a rap-country collaboration, really more of a pop singer rapping. But #IKnitSweatersYo so here we are. Still better than Accidental Racist. (Sound below, link to the music video here)

Nelly & Tim McGraw - Over And Over
The song that started it all.

Snoop Dogg & Willie Nelson - Superman
#GoAheadWillie #Woo #Yeehaw #Pot

Jason Aldean & Ludacris - Dirt Road Anthem
Luda made an appearance on the worst collab ever (possibly regardless of genre) but I really like him and Aldean. The southern born/raised attitude (even though Luda has spent a decade telling us he's from the hood) works for Luda. I don't know if I'd believe that he grew up in the same town as Jason Aldean, but it's definitely a good song.

Florida Georgia Line & Nelly - Cruise
I love everything about this song. The original version of Cruise is one of my favorite songs of the summer, and Nelly is awesome in general. I think the FGL guys are just not-redneck enough to make it believable that they would hang out with Nelly. And let's be honest - who wouldn't want to party with Nelly and Florida Georgia Line? (Side note: awesome music video. Classic no plot/hot girls/look at our cars video)