Friday, January 3, 2014

House of Cards Power Rankings: Chapter 4

Sorry, guys. We kind of mailed it in for Chapter 3. But we really did have a hard time scoring that episode. As George Washington used to say, better to run away from your problems than to face them. Here's what we came up with for Chapter 4:

8. Freddy Armstrong - 2.3 points (Last week: Not ranked)
We're fighting an uphill battle this week. Freddy made the rankings and all he did was tell an awesome story about a fridge. God did, in fact, give us reflexes so that we can swerve out of the way of a fridge.

Off to a really rocky start with the Chapter 4 rankings.

7. Gillian Cole - 3.0 points (Last week: Not ranked) 
Welp, you get two points for accomplishing your goals and Gillian accomplished her goal of getting money to dig holes in the ground in Sudan. Or whatever. Her hippie/save-the-world shit is going to get in the way of Frank and Claire's plan for world domination. 

6. Christina Gallagher - 4.5 points (Last week: Not ranked)
"She's really hot" is a direct quote from Chris as I posted that photo. So we're probably giving her too many points. But she controls Russo (who is a member of the United States Congress) when she wants to and has the ability to leave him completely alone if she'd rather go that route. She could choose to take a promotion and work for a real politician, or she could stay where she is and manipulate Peter into doing whatever she wants. 

5. Terry Womack - 5.5 points (Last week: Not ranked)
Being the first black majority leader is indeed history (although he's not exactly Obama), but being the man that Frank thinks of when he needs to round up a dozen votes might be even more impressive.

4. Bob Birch - 6.0 points (Last week: Not ranked)
 This picture is obviously a bit of a #tbt. The Speaker of the House obviously has a good deal of power, and he got some points for backstabbing too (even though he jumped into the backstabbing plan kind of late and he himself kind of got shafted in that whole deal). 

3. Claire Underwood - 6.1 points (Last week: 2nd)
Chris and I had a pretty big Claire debate for this episode's rankings. Does going to meet Adam in the hotel count as cheating on Frank? We think it does. But, more importantly, does cheating on Frank count as Backstabbing since Frank seems to understand that Claire almost stayed with Adam at the hotel (and he seems okay with it). So... adultery in an open marriage.... Backstabbing? You tell us. 

2. Zoe Barnes - 8.5 points (Last week: 3rd)
Zoe jumps Claire to become the leading lady of the show by fucking her whole newspaper over, trusting her own talents (and connections), and knowing that she's a hot bitch that can do whatever she wants. However, she can't be number one in the rankings until she stop relying so much on the man who is number one (again) this week.

1. Francis Underwood - 9.0 points (Last week: 1st)
The string puller. He controls his wife, a bunch of congressmen, the most important man in the Senate, the hottest name in the media, and anyone else that he wants to control. He gets his Goals accomplished, he Backstabs whoever he wants, and he's at the top of the rankings again after banging (maybe) the two highest ranked women in the show (he at least kissed them both, unless he and Zoe don't get romantic like that).