Monday, October 24, 2016

Breaking News: Jaromir Jagr Is Jake Voracek's Father

As usual, this started with one tweet. This afternoon, it was my internet friend Jordie throwing some great hockey #content up on Barstool:
It's a cute story, and I love when the backup goalie is not actually a real professional goalie.

But the most important piece of Jordie's blog was this part:
Sidenote: this blog and the Jagr blog from earlier today got me to thinking. There has to be at least one illegitimate child out there that Jaromir Jagr has fathered. Considering he’s been playing professional hockey for 26 years, there’s a good chance that kid is of age to be playing in the NHL now too. I wonder who he is.
Ha ha what a funny joke, right?

Until you realize that Jagr does have a bastard son, and that son does play in the NHL. It's Jake Voracek.

Image result for jagr voracek


Hockey talent aside, they are both listed in the 6'2 to 6'3 range, and they both play at around 220 pounds. They're both lefthanded, and they both use their huge butts to help keep control of the puck.

But this is all just a coincidence, right? I mean Rick Nash fits basically the same description, except he's worse than Jagr and Voracek (obviously).


Both Jagr and Voracek are from the Czech Republic (though when they were both born it was still Czechoslovakia). They were even born in the same town, Kladno, which Wikipedia tells me has a population of about 69 thousand people. For reference, Kladno is about half the size of Syracuse, New York and Topeka, Kansas. Philadelphia has almost a million and a half more residents than Kladno.

The point is, it's a very small town. But maybe it's just a hockey hotbed like that place from Victor Hedman's awesome Players Tribune article. Why can't two players come from the same city two decades apart?

If you can bury that negativity and open your mind to a quick conspiracy, please:

Image result for jagr voracek

Hypothetical Timeline

It's December 1988.

Jaromir Jagr is in the midst of his first full season with Hockey Club Kladno's top-level professional hockey team. He's only 16, but he'll be 17 in February. If you know anything about Jaromir Jagr, you know he's been a Sex Haver since a very young age.

As the story would go, Jagr pumped a baby into a red-haired girl from Kladno sometime around Christmas. He would go on to finish his first season with HC Kladno, dominate the following season, and get drafted by the Pittsburgh Penguins in the summer of 1990.

Nine months after that Christmastime bone session, that girl from Kladno gave birth to a baby boy. She named him Jakub, and (if you can believe it) he turned out to be pretty fucking awesome at hockey. For what it's worth, Jake Voracek's father is not listed anywhere on his Wikipedia page.

Jake joined HC Kladno's youth program in 2002 when he was only 13, and he worked his way up to playing a game for the top-level team in the 2005-06 season. He then joined the Canadian junior league and traveled from Halifax to Columbus to Philadelphia.

Present Day

Jagr is still in the NHL at age 44. Voracek is (hopefully) in the middle of his prime at age 27. They've combined to play for more than 2,200 NHL games and score close to 900 goals. It's a beautiful father-and-son tale, and it gets even better.

That fabled hockey club that gave both of these men their start, HC Kladno? Jagr now owns it.The club's President is Jagr's father (who is also Voracek's grandfather).


Until someone shows me a paternity test that proves that Jaromir Jagr is not Jake Voracek's father, there is simply too much circumstantial evidence for me to not wholeheartedly believe that these two are members of hockey familial royalty like the Howes and Sutters and Stastnys.

Image result for jagr voracek

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