Let's jump right into the results.
Martin O'Malley (0%)
He was my favorite of the candidates on that side because he seemed like a normal human being. So, naturally, he got zero percent of the vote and he's likely done in this race.
Hillary Clinton (50%) tied Bernie Sanders (50%)
Instead of the guy who seems like a reasonable person, we get the ethically questionable career politician and the loony bin Socialist.
Hillary - though I don't really like her and I think it's despicable what she did to Jim and Roy in Benghazi - at least makes sense. She has as much experience as you could want in a President, and we might as well follow the first black President with the first female President. In doing a moderate amount of research, she seems to have developed policies that appeal to a variety of voters, and her plans for college students/graduates are rock solid.
I don't want to talk about actual politics too much, but if you like Bernie Sanders I probably don't really like you. That's kind of it for him.
To end on a positive note, this means we get A LOT more Kate MacKinnon and Larry David in our lives, which is an incredibly good thing.
Ted Cruz (28%) and Donald Trump (24%) led the way
Straight up if you want Cruz or Trump to be the President of this country you should kill yourself and end your bloodline as quickly as possible. It's mind-boggling that more than half of the party would even tolerate these two being in a position of power.
I know people joke like, "Lol I'm totes moving to Canada if this guy wins," but I don't want to live in a country that voluntarily made either of these two the most powerful man in the world. I'd prefer Canada, Mexico, Ireland, or even goddamn England.
Marco Rubio (23%)
Thank God (or more specifically, the one and only savior Jesus Christ) that Rubio kept pace with the two idiots in front of him. Like Hillary, I don't necessarily agree with all of his positions and I think there's some adjustments that would be made if he made it to a debate against the other party. But he's a regular person, he's not a goddamn maniac, and I would still willingly live in this country if he was in charge of it.
That's where I am in the political spectrum these days: "Will I still want to live in this country if this person is elected by a majority of the 320 million people that live here?"
Rubio having a moderate amount of success last night makes me hopeful that there's at least a little bit of sense left. And, for what it's worth, the counties around Des Moines (the capital city) all voted Rubio, so maybe that speaks to the variety of demographics in Iowa. As long as "city folk" like Rubio, we're going to be safe.
Ben Carson (9%)
God fucking damnit, America. Carson's 9% works out to 17,393 votes. And I legitimately believe that all of those people should be banned from voting for the rest of their lives.
That brings us up to 61% of the Republican Party in Iowa that should have voting rights taken away, so that's a really great sign for the best country in the world.
Rand Paul (4%)
Rand is my boy this year. I always do this - I find a guy who has policies that I agree with but doesn't have enough national support to do make any real noise.
How much more support could we drum up for Rand Paul if he changed his name to Randy? I mean, his birth name is Randal, so it's not a huge leap for him to rebrand himself as Randy Paul.
Rand Paul is a little bit pretentious, I can admit that. Randy Paul is still that same educated, intelligent, reasonable conservative politician/ophthalmologist, but he connects with the mainstream voter more because his name is Randy and everyone loves people named Randy.
Quick list: Randy Moss, Randy Orton, Macho Man Randy Savage, Randy Jackson, Randy Johnson, Randy Foye, Randy Houser
Randy Paul 2016: America's Runnin' Outta Moonlight
Jeb Bush (3%)
Poor Jeb. He could have made a push with this caucus, but it seems like he might be on his last legs now.
And Some Quick Hits
- Fiorina, Kasich, Huckabee, Christie each got 2% of the vote
- Fiorina and Huckabee have been dead in the water for a while now
- I don't know what to make of Kasich
- Christie going back to Governor of New Jersey is like when you tell your girlfriend you want some space to see other people and then you can't find anyone hotter than her who likes you
- Rick Santorum got 1% of the vote, which is bizarre because I didn't realize he was actually seriously running for President again
- I caught up on The Challenge last night and they show a bunch of Teen Mom ads. I do not think we should de-fund Planned Parenthood.