Saturday, December 31, 2011

Bullets Blog's Best of 2011 - The Jay Edition

2011 was a weird year. A lot of things of note happened in and out of the sports world. But we only care about the best here at bulletsblog, except for when we also care about the worst - which is also right now. Well shit, now I'm confused. Not worried about it. To the blog!

Quick note: I'm writing this on my iPhone and the app doesn't have a bold/italic option. Sorry. (Update: I'm on a computer now and I have a bold/italic option. You're welcome.)

Film of the Year
In case you weren't aware, 2012 broke the record for most sequels in a year. My favorite was Fast Five. Don't laugh. If you watch all the Fast and Furious movies in a short period of time (I did that and I'd definitely recommend it) you'll notice that all of them suck besides this one. It had a solid plot with a nice little twist, an all-star cast (Vin Diesel, The Rock, Paul Walker, Dom's hot sister, Tyrese, Ludacris) and the standard hard-hitting action scenes we expect from F&F. But the best part of any of the movies in this series is the ability to make your own voiceovers during the driving scenes:
"Eat my dust!"
"You can't touch me!"
"I'll eat your asshole alive, you bitch!"
Wait no, that last one is Mike Tyson. But the bottom line is you should shed your negative thoughts about the Fast and Furious movies and see Fast Five.

Worst Film of the Year
The Hangover Part II. Everyone saw it. Nobody liked it. I would go so far as to say that no film has ever disappointed as many people as the second Hangover. Literally the only time I laughed during the whole movie:
Luckily the weekend I saw it was fun as shit, or I may have hated it even more than I do now.

Artist of the Year
I count My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy mostly as a 2011 album because it was released in November and a lot of the songs (one song?) became hits in 2011. How that album didn't get nominated for the big Grammy mystifies me. All of the Lights plus the carry-over of Power and Monster gives it three tracks that were bonafide hits for Mr. Kanye West. Throw in the hype from Watch the Throne (and Niggas in Paris) and an emotional performance during the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show (sounds sarcastic but it really was emotional - watch the performance of Stronger again) and you'll see that Kanye owned 2011.

Worst Artist of the Year
No research needed. Nicki Minaj. No artist ever has caused me to shout, "You suck! Shut the FUCK up!" at the radio more than Nicki. Her only saving grace is the Jenna Marbles video about her:

Song of the Year
I am so torn. Give Me Everything is a perfect song. We Found Love is also a perfect song. Levels is also a perfect song. None of these songs can be made any better via remix or mashup. However, the only one with lyrics that make and sort of sense so your BBJ song of the year is Give Me Everything by Ne-Yo and Pitbull. I generally hate Pitbull but he actually sounds pretty good on this track. And Ne-Yo just absolutely murders the vocals.

Worst Song of the Year
Pumped Up Kicks makes me want to drive my car into a building full of kittens with tanks of gasoline in the trunk. So that's obviously not good.

Worst Thing of the Year
The fucking Occupy movements. Related to my last note about the kittens, the Occupy movement makes mt want to drive my car full of gasoline into the Occupy movement. I can't say this about too many groups of hundreds of thousands of people. If elected president, I will make murder legal as long as the victim is an admitted member of an Occupy camp. They are worse than al-Qaeda. I wrote a haiku for any of our readers that may be occupying now:

Go home, you dickhead.
Nobody likes you at all.
You have done nothing.

So... Yeah.

Kim Kardashian's 2012 Man Prediction
Let's trace the history: Ray J, Reggie Bush, Miles Austin, Kris Humphries. She's gradually getting lighter, taller, and less attractive. Since she appears to be going with a 1-2-1-2 pattern between music and all of the sports, one can assume her next 2 beaus will be very tall, very white hockey players - and they have to be relatively famous. I think she'll go for Chris Pronger (6'6 plus skates) and then move on to Zdeno Chara (6'9 plus skates)(wink face).
But I really hope she ends up with Reggie Bush for the long haul. Pause.

Bold Predictions for 2012:
Jay will visit Sweden
The Mets will finish in last place in the NL East
The Minnesota Timberwolves will make the playoffs
Kim Kardashian will get pregnant
Barack Obama will win the election
Someone will test positive for PEDs in the NBA
Andrew Luck won't live up to the hype

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