Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Let's Rank The New Contestants On Dancing With The Stars

I don't watch Dancing With The Stars. I usually don't care about the people on the show, I'm not a big fan of dancing in general, and everything is very forced and fake.

That said, Bruno is an absolute star.

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He makes the whole show worth it for me. I also may or may not have a huge crush on Julianne Hough. 

But, it's Tuesday and work is less fun than learning who's on the new DWTS season, so let's jump right in. I'm not ranking these people based on how good they're going to be at dancing, because that's always kind of a no-brainer (it's the athletes and the people who have skills that directly relate to dancing). 

I'm ranking them based on how much they make me want to watch the show, 

Not Ranked (Or Tied For 9th): I Don't Know Who These People Are

Marilu Henner, Old Actress
Jake T. Austin, Disney Actor
James Hinchcliffe, Indycar Driver
Kenneth Babyface Edmonds, Singer
Terra Jole, Midget

My girlfriend LOVES the midgets that have their own TV show. So let's hope that our new friend Terra gets eliminated really early on so I don't have to deal with that. 

Other than her, I've never heard of anyone else in this category so I don't really care about any of them. 

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8. Vanilla Ice, Musician

Do you think he's going to blow his load and dance to Ice Ice Baby the first week? Or do you think he'll save that for later on? The risk, obviously, is he probably sucks at dancing now and he may never get to do the most obvious dance in Dancing With The Stars history. (Carlton doing the Carlton is a close second.)

I have heard of Vanilla Ice so I can't lump him into the previous section, but I am not excited for the collective eye roll of the entire internet that's coming when Vanilla drops the "Stop, collaborate, and listen."

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7. Rick Perry, Former Presidential Candidate

How close did Rick Perry get to being elected President? Not very close, right? Was he like a Bernie Sanders or like a Marco Rubio? Was he like the guy that Alec Baldwin imitated on SNL that one time who kept complaining about not getting any time?

If there was Tackle Football With The Stars, I'd definitely back Big Ole Rick Perry. But I really don't expect him to be able to dance. Speaking of football...

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6. Calvin Johnson, Former Pro Football Player

The word "former" may or not actually apply here, because his name will be in the spotlight almost all the way through the NFL season and there's always the chance that he could return to playing football. 

He's going to be a great dancer, and he's going to probably win or come in second. But, the real important question with Megatron is will he leave DWTS to join the Eagles in week four after we find out that all of our receivers are trash?

Speaking of football..

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5. Marcia Brady, Television Character

This is going to make everyone feel so goddamn old. 

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4. Jana Kramer, The Girl Who Stole Turtle's Underwear

She is very nice to look at, and she's apparently a country music star so she's got some musical talent (and, you might guess, rhythm). The sad thing is she's probably too famous in the other areas of her life to ever make an Entourage reference on DWTS. 

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3. Ryan Lochte, American Hero

The best way to rehab your image, as everyone knows, is Dancing With The Stars. Stay right in the spotlight and let people continue to make their stupid jokes, and laugh all the way across the dance floor and hit 'em with a little cha-cha-cha. 

Lochte's probably a great dancer, but they'd keep him around regardless just because he's probably the biggest name in pop culture at this moment. 
2. Amber Rose, Kanye West's Ex-Girlfriend

Your initial thought is probably that this is too high for Amber Rose. But let me defend myself: this is what's going to make People Like Me tune in to watch Dancing With The Stars. There's going to be some outrageous Twitter beef between the Rose-West-Kardashian-Wiz gang, and it's going to be far and away the most fun night in Dancing With The Stars Twitter history. 

I almost had Amber Rose number one just because of The Yeezy Effect. 

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1. Laurie Hernandez, Olympic Gymnast

But come on. It's Laurie. I wouldn't necessarily classify myself as a Gymnastics Guy, but this summer we were big Bet On Olympic Gymnastics Guys. If you watched any of Laurie's floor routines, you know that she's going to absolutely steal the show. She moved with an unparalleled level of pageantry, even for a gymnast. She owns the floor, and we're all going to be able to bask in her glory until she wins the whole thing and joins Drew Lachey, Emmit Smith, Apolo Ohno, Shawn Johnson, Hines Ward, and Alfonso Ribiero on the Big Cat Mount Rushmore Of DWTS Winners.

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