Wednesday, August 31, 2016

I Took The Mailtime 'Are You An Asshole?' Test

It's Wednesday morning. I might have had too many $3 margaritas at Taco Tuesday last night. This week is crawling toward the long weekend.

And then, out of nowhere, Barstool's Kevin Clancy swooped in with an icebreaker activity that should kill quite a bit of this terrible morning. Here's the list he tweeted, from his podcast (out today) with Josh Wolf.

Top 5 SNL cast members

I'm going to show my age here. There's no way around it. I've watched the original cast with my mom and I've at least caught pieces of just about every cast that they've had.

But I'm 24. I didn't get to watch Belushi or Aykroyd or Murphy or Farley or (Mike) Myers. The first thing that comes to mind for me when I think of Gilda Radner is Peter Griffin beating up Jimmy Fallon and yelling "You haven't earned what she's earned!"

Goddamn Millennials.

Here it is: Kate McKinnon, Chris Farley (RIP), Will Ferrell,  Adam Sandler, Kristen Wiig (hahaha just kidding)

I'm really struggling with this fifth spot. I think I'd be fine with Fey, Poehler, Chase, Myers, Hader (Stefon). You can argue Sudeikis, (Seth) Meyers, or even maybe Molly Shannon.

But ultimately I'm going to add Kenan Thompson to my list because of what he represents. I grew up with him on All That, and then he graduated to the adult show right around the time I graduated to adulthood.

Tipping at Starbucks?

I always pay with my card at Starbucks just so I don't have to awkwardly not tip. If my drink is going to cost more than $4 and it doesn't have any alcohol in it, you can fuck yourself on the tip.

Would you wear a sports hat that did not represent you favorite team?

I'm a Philly sports guy. Flyers, Phillies, Villanova, Eagles, Sixers. There are some rivals that I wouldn't be able to stomach - Penguins, Rangers, Devils, Mets, Nationals, Georgetown, Syracuse, Cowboys - but for the most part I'd be open to the hat of a different club.

I actually own a Maple Leafs hat, but my primary reasoning is I'm an asshole and I get enjoyment that they spell it as Leafs and not Leaves on the logo.

If you could be part of ONE TV family, which one would it be?

Can I say the Kardashians? Printing money for no reason would probably be an enjoyable lifestyle.

But if I have to pick a fictional family, I'd love to be man enough to pick the Sopranos. But let's be honest, that lifestyle would kill me in a week and a half.

I'm joining the Formans from That 70's Show, and here's why:

  • Eric and I would 100% be able to hang out, boom now I'm never bored
  • Kitty is a Hall Of Fame crazy TV mom
  • Red is kind of an asshole, but you need that in your life sometimes
  • Fez
  • You're saying I have a chance with Jackie Burkhart now? How could anyone say no to that
Pick the 10 years of music you would listen to for the rest of your life

Not to brag, but the first thing I did when I saw this question was look up Lil Wayne's discography by year. I'm going with Summer 2005 (just before Tha Carter II came out) through Summer 2014. 

That decade is going to include:
  • Most of the good Lil Wayne and Drake
  • The whole gauntlet of stuff than Kanye went through from Late Reg to Yeezus
  • The tail end of Jay's and Em's careers
  •  The first four Taylor Swift albums
  • All of the punk rock I listened to in high school
  • All of the EDM music I listened to in college
Regardless of your age, this decade has to just be the time you were in high school and college. That's when you had the most fun, and so that's when music can remind you of how fucking old and lame you are now. 

Biggie, Tupac, or Drake?

I like Old Drake. When he was a rapper on his own mixtapes and sang the hooks for every Young Money rapper, he was awesome. 

New Drake is too famous to be on Biggie's and Pac's level. If he had gotten murdered right before Take Care came out, maybe he could stand a chance here. But he didn't, so he doesn't. 

Personally, even though I spent all of my formative years in (Upstate) New York, I'm slightly more of a Tupac guy. If you want to be a Biggie guy, that's fine. I don't think the hostility between the fan bases should still be prevalent. Both sides were pushed to a new level of rap because of their feud, and that's an amazing thing to look back at. 

The one thing about you that most people think is true but that you question the most

I'm probably going to have to wait until I listen to the actual podcast before I realize what they're actually asking here. 

Your go to Karaoke song OR your Voice audition song

I am most certainly not a potential candidate for The Voice. Cross that off your list of things that I could ever accomplish in my life. Singing is a talent that I wasn't born with and a skill that I never acquired. 

The go-to move for any male Karaoke singer should be the male-female duet. I'm a little bit removed from the dating pool (not to brag), but my number one choice was always My Humps by The Black Eyed Peas. It's easy to sing, everyone knows the words, and it's just sexual enough without being creepy. 

Promiscuous by Nelly Furtado and Timbaland is another good choice, but you really have to make sure you find yourself a down-ass bitch to sing it with you. 

I would respect the fuck out of anyone brave enough to tackle the Sean Paul portion of Baby Boy by Beyonce. 

And the ultimate "damn, that guy's going to get laid" song is Grease. If you get up there and sing You're The One That I Want, Summer Nights, or We Go Together, you are going to get to have sex with that girl singing next to you. And even though it's from a completely different movie, I've Had The Time Of My Life might as well be on the Grease soundtrack. 

Shoes.. comfort or fashion?

I'm going to say fashion here because I primarily go Sperry's in the summer and chukka boots in the winter. But most of my shoes are old and dirty, so I'm not really a Fashion Shoes guy. I mean, my gym shoes are Nike Shox that I've had since high school. Mr. Sperry, if you're reading this, please don't hesitate to hook me up. 

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