Contrary to popular belief, Mount Rushmore was not actually a prophecy. Jesus did not carve those faces into the mountain as a prediction for the future of the United States. It was carved into a hill in South Dakota in the early 1900's. They picked the four best Presidents - the Mount Rushmore of Presidents - and named the structure after everyone's favorite way to list their four favorite things from a category.
And it's pretty much inarguable, at least in my opinion, that they got this Mount Rushmore right. Let's take a look:
- George Washington (1789-1797) - He is the original The Troops. He killed some Queen Lovers on Christmas, he chopped down a cherry tree and then didn't lie about it. He teeth were made of wood (or wool, I can never remember). And, not to get too political, he was very much against partisanship. But mostly he was the father of this great country, and your Mount Rushmore is 100% wrong if you leave him off.
- Thomas Jefferson (1801-1809) - After John Adams became the first President to only win for one term, Tommy $2 came in. He was a big States Rights guy, but the most important thing he ever did was buying the Louisiana Territory for like $18 per square mile. That territory included places that are now important, like Iowa and Kansas and The Mountain That They Carved Into Mount Rushmore.
- Abe Lincoln (1861-1865) - No big deal, he just kept the country together through the Civil War. He's also a member of the PR Hall of Fame because he freed his opponents' slaves to hurt them during the war, and somehow Spin Zone'd it into being the President That Freed The Slaves. As they say, history is written by the victors.
- Teddy Roosevelt (1901-1909) - Speak softly and carry a big stick. Bingo.
So we have some nice balance there. Founding fathers, war generals, legal professionals, men who shaped the country into what it is today.
And that's where we're changing gears and talking about a different Mount Rushmore. Because I'm one more founding father or war general away from having a Mount Rushmore of People Who Have Blocked Me On Twitter.
Before I even realized this was ever going to be a Mount Rushmore, I god Mad On Line about Flyers defenseman Michael Del Zotto.
Michael Del Zotto stinks— Jay (@jaylike) November 20, 2015
And then he blocked me.
Okay, that was fine. No big deal. He's a bit of a journeyman, he might not be around Philadelphia for a while. I'll survive.
And then Train announced that they were going to release a cover album of one of the best albums of all time, Led Zeppelin II. I tried to do everyone on planet earth a favor.
Hi @train can you please not release your Led Zeppelin cover album? Thank's— Jay (@jaylike) June 7, 2016
My request was not well received.
Number three was an easy one. I grew up watching Jay Mariotti on Around The Horn until he started beating up women and stalking his exes. He started mouthing off about the internet and blogs and millennials and stuff, so I figured I'd throw some gasoline on the fire.
@BarstoolJordie @MariottiSports even after all of the bs press he's gotten over the past week he still doesn't have as many followers as you— Jay (@jaylike) September 8, 2016
And what did Jay Mariotti do about me pointing out how he has less followers than a part-time Barstool Sports hockey and porn comment section blogger?
Here's where we stand now. Mariotti obviously misheard Teddy Roosevelt's most famous saying, because he's Speaking Loudly and Carrying A Big Chin nowadays.
Who should be the Abe Lincoln? I think, on some level, it has to happen organically. But I really want this to be special. If anyone famous (or semi-famous? Bobby Flay would be ideal) is reading this, please tweet me something hostile and let's have a gosh darn Twitter beef. It's Friday and work is slow, I could go for some good old fashioned online hostility.