First things first, I don't really understand how this was a "draft." There was no order or snake or anything, and there were multiple people who picked duplicate snacks. This seems more like it was the 18 people in the Barstool office listing their three favorite snacks.The Barstool Sports #SnackDraft was just completed. Each person got 1 round, 3 picks. I will be handing out Draft Grades. - KFC— Barstool Sports (@barstoolsports) September 12, 2016
But because it's Tuesday morning and my contact is fucked up (so obviously I can't do any real work, that'd be in poor taste), let's see how they did.
Pick #1: Pres - Low Fat Cheez-Its, Pirate Booty, Carrot Sticks
I can't find a tweet with the video of Pres saying "what a fucking idiot, Weird Haircut Seth" but what a fucking idiot, Dave Portnoy. Cheez-Its are a perfectly respectable choice, as are White Cheddar Cheez-Its.
But reduced fat? What the fuck kind of shit is that? And carrot sticks??? You fucking weird, healthy, second grade teacher.
Pirate Booty is almost a good choice because it's almost Smartfood Popcorn. So Dave almost nailed two out of three but he fucked those two up so bad that I'm giving him a 0/5.
Pick #2: KFC - Nacho Cheese Doritos, Double Stuf Oreos, White Powdered Donuts
Kevin also did the live draft grades, I'm going to let him grade himself on this one.
Pick #3: Clem - Gushers, Vanilla Dunkaroos, Cape Cod ChipsSecond pick - @KFCBarstool: Doritos Nacho Cheese, Double Stuf Oreos, White Powdered donuts. Perfect draft. A+. Great job Kevin.— Barstool Sports (@barstoolsports) September 12, 2016
Clem is The Snack Guy, and he showed why with these three. Gushers and Dunkaroos are a slam dunk throwback to middle school, and they're two of the tastier ways to rewind to the time before you had to pay money for things.
Cape Cod chips are the best potato chips. Lays are too greasy, and if you eat just one single store brand potato chip you literally die of poverty instantly.
Pick #4: Big Cat - Goldfish, Chips And Queso, Swedish Fish
This might end up being the best draft of the whole exercise. I think I could legitimately exist on these three foods for a whole goddamn month. I could probably do that just on chips and queso alone.
And ever since I got my braces taken off in like 9th grade I've been a huge Swedish Fish guy. You lose the ability to eat them for a year and a half, and then suddenly you cherish them that much more for the rest of you life.
Also, RIP Larry The Goldfish. Sorry PFT murdered you with his Red Man grease.
Pick #5: Nate - Gushers, Zebra Cakes, Reese's Pieces
Gushers again? That's fair game in this draft? Everyone can have Gronk as their tight end?
Kevin gave him shit on Twitter for the Zebra Cakes and for choosing pieces over cups. I think it's hard to disagree with the second point. Reese's Cups are the classic.
But, for once in his Barstool career, I agree with Nate about something. Zebra Cakes were a staple in my K-12 packed lunch years. I probably ate five of those bad boys every week.
Pick #6: Sales Guy - Fruit Basket
Far and away the most preposterous answer anyone has ever come up with for "What are your three favorite snacks?"
A goddamn fruit basket.
Pick #7: PFT Commenter - Gushers, Small Bag Of Cheez-Its, Fireball Nips
So we have a repeat on Cheez-Its (but at least it's the right kind of Cheez-Its this time), a double repeat on Gushers (the Rob Gronkowski of snacks, it's official), and cinnamon whiskey.
The Fireball is obviously a big PFT move, but the small bag of Cheez-Its is an interesting angle. Normally, my Cheez-It move is just get the family size box and eat the whole thing in two sittings. But the small bags, like Clem's Dunkaroos, is a big throwback to when you had to pack a lunch for school. You might need to eat three or four bags to really get your money's worth, but I'm on board.
Pick #8: Feitelberg - Sour Patch Kids, Snickers (to freeze), Milk Duds
How did it take eight picks for someone to take Sour Patch Kids? I mean not only are they the best non-chocolate candy, they're also one of the only snacks chosen so far that actually advertise. I'm going to end up with like 65 snacks on my Top Three list, but Sour Patch Kids absolutely have to be on there somewhere.
Is this a hot take: Snickers candy bars frozen aren't great. Give me the Snickers ice cream bar instead.
Pick #9: Milmore - Little Pretzel Sticks In The Yellow Box, Chocolate/Vanilla Ice Cream Cups, Sour Patch Kids
Naturally Milmore went heavy (and descriptive) on the elementary school snacks, because I'm not totally convinced he's not just a technologically adept ten year old.
Pick #10: Caleb - BBQ Beef Jerky, Salt & Vinegar Almonds, Gushers
I don't know about beef jerky, man. I like the idea of it, because it's always good to ingest as much meat as you possibly can. But eating the actual beef jerky fucking SUCKS. And it costs like $8 for a tiny little bag of meat. Maybe if Jack Lynx spent less money on elaborate pranks on Bigfoot they could get their price point down below An Entire Meal At Taco Bell.
I'm in on almonds as a snack but I am 10000000% out on salt and vinegar almonds. I don't even need to try them because I'm imagining them in my head and they are absolutely awful.
Pick #11: Smitty - Hummus, Pita Chips
This is basically just one snack. Maybe Pres will share his fucking carrot sticks so Smitty has some variety with his hummus.
I like hummus as a snack but it all depends on what kind of hummus Smitty buys at his new NYC grocery store. There is one correct answer.
Anything else and you may as well just cancel your whole round of the snack draft.
Well Actually, the Timberwolves are built on Ricky Rubio. Dunkaroos can definitely be your Ricky Rubio. They make everything around them better. Sandwich, chips, apple, Spanish national basketball team. Everything is better when you pair it with Dunkaroos or a point guard who literally shoots the worst jumpshot in NBA history.
Pick #13: Riggs - Big Bucket Of Cheeseballs, Swiss Rolls, Cheddar & Sour Cream Ruffles
How's this for a hot take on the politics guy: there is not a two-snack combination that is more Poor than cheese balls and cheddar/sour cream ruffles. I love fake cheese as much as anyone, but those are two of the worst ways to eat fake cheese.
Swiss Rolls, though. Goddamn Swiss Rolls. They were like Zebra Cakes for me when I was a kid. Chocolate cake, chocolate shell, cream filling (but not too much cream). I would set the over/under for number of Swiss Rolls I ate as a kid somewhere in the thousands.
Pick #14: Spags - Pop Chips, Gum
Spags was definitely stoned when he did this, right? Pop Chips are fine for the hip/Brooklyn persona that is Chris Spags, but gum is a worse Snack choice than the goddamn fruit basket.
Pick #15: Hank
I don't know what that even means.Pick 15 - @hen_ease - Hen Easy DNP, Coach's Decision. Incomplete.— Barstool Sports (@barstoolsports) September 12, 2016
Pick #16: Loud Sean - Kit Kat, Reese's Pieces, Beef Jerky
Again with the Pieces instead of the Cups. Kids these days have no respect for history. And it might even be more disrecpectful that it took 16 picks for someone to take Kit Kats off the board. I mean we've had Gushers drafted four times already.
Pick #17: Kmarko
Editor-In-Chief has really gone to Keith's head. Now he's too good for snacks? He just eats full-blown meals?Pick 17 - @Kmarkobarstool: He proclaimed "I dont care about snacks" so I didnt let him draft. Grade: F- #SnackDraft— Barstool Sports (@barstoolsports) September 12, 2016
Pick #18: Ms. Nardini - "I want a log of dip, and some almonds."
No joke if they put that phrase on a tank top and sold it I would buy it in every color. I don't know if a "log" of dip in this case means like something that you actually dip chips into, but a log of dip in real life is just a ton of Skoal. Half peach, half mint, please and thank you.
And some almonds, because if I'm going to ruin my gums then at least I should keep my heart healthy.
Pick #19: The Correct Answer, Courtesy Of Me: Cheez-Its, Smartfood, Hershey's Cookies & Cream Bar
Bang, two classics and a wild card. That's always the move.