Monday, December 7, 2015

The Grammys Nominees Were Announced

I am no longer a "music guy." In college I took advantage of not having anything to do ever and I stayed up with new music. One time a girl I liked even asked me to make her a gym playlist (nbd but hbd, I know).

Nowadays, I'm too fucking old. No joke when Trap Queen was just starting to gain popularity, my younger brother made me feel like a goddamn baby boomer for not having heard it. Now I have sacks of escarole all over my house, but I still wouldn't say I'm good with new music.

And so with that in mind, obviously there's nobody better than me to dig through the Grammy nominees and tell you who I think should win.

Record Of The Year - Uptown Funk
The other big ones in this category are Blank Space, Can't Feel My Face, and Thinking Out Loud. But my upstairs neighbor always plays TOL on his shitty acoustic guitar and Blank Space is like the third best song on that album. So the nod goes to Bruno Mars, who (1) is one of the best SNL guests in modern times and (2) sampled Trinidad James and turned it into one of the biggest songs of the year.

Album Of The Year - 1989
With no disrespect to The Weeknd (and slight disrespect to Alabama Shakes and Chris Stapleton), this is a two horse race. Taylor and Kendrick had the two biggest albums of the year except for maybe Megan Trainor, but she sucks. Ultimately I think 1989's mainstream appeal will edge out To Pimp A Butterfly, which is probably more deserving (according to people who think they're too good for Taylor - and those people are #wrong).

Best Dance Recording - Where Are (Umlaut) Now?
Sonny and Thomas and Justin should run away with this category, although I personally would have chosen What Do You Mean? as my top "dance" song from Purpose, but the Skrillex/Diplo credits make this a real stone lock for the category. Runaway (U & I) is also a jam, but not quite the size of the Biebs.

Best Rock Song - Exes and Ohs
I LOVE this song. I want to shout it from a mountaintop, but I don't have a mountaintop. I have a blog post. Generally this category is just "Best Song The Foo Fighters Released This Year"but I'd love to see Elle King steal one.

Best Rap Performance
In probably the biggest battle we'll see all night, this category pits Back To Back, Trap Queen, and Truffle Butter against each other. The best diss track of the last 20 years, the song of the summer, and the most played song that references a heinous sex act (all unofficial stats). I don't want to make a pick now, instead I'll wait for Bovada to set the odds and then tell everyone I know about those odds until the Grammys air on February 15th.

Best Latin Pop Album - A Quien Quiera Escuchar (To Those Who Want To Listen)
It's Ricky Martin, so duh. And bonus points for the title, because of course everyone on the planet Wants To Listen.

Best Music Video - Bad Blood
This should be the biggest slam dunk of the whole night. Say whatever you want about Taylor Swift, she took this song and remixed it with Kendrick, then featured Cindy Crawford, Meredith Grey, Mariska Hargitay, Jessica Alba, Cara Delevigne, Gigi Hadid, and Ellie Goulding (among others) in the video. It's like the chick version of every Entourage season.

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