To be honest, I think I've watched the ESPY's twice, and both times were simply to hear Seth Meyers' monologue. The year that was right after "The Decision" was brilliant, and with any luck something like that can be repeated. That being said, I have no idea who's hosting this year, so I have zero expectations. But, here are my picks.
Best Male Athlete - LeBron James
I've said it before, LeBron James is the best physical specimen in the history of the National Basketball Association. He's the best athlete in the sport, a sport which the best athletes usually come from. Naturally, he is then the best athlete in all of sports.
Best Female Athlete - Maria Sharapova
Let's be real here. Brittney Griner is by far the better athlete. But who watches, and votes for the ESPY's? Men. And 99% of men are going to vote for Maria Sharapova over Brittney Griner every day of the week and twice on Sunday, simply because she's absolutely gorgeous, and Griner isn't the slightest bit attractive. Well, I know I would.
Best Championship Performance - LeBron James
I never thought I'd give an award to someone who sat out the last 10 minutes of one of the most important games in his career, with cramps..
Best Breakthrough Athlete - Jeremy Lin
I wanted to give it to Gronk because he's essentially the Anti-Christ in the world of all Boston haters, but you can't ignore what Jeremy Lin did. He captivated, and held the attention of New York for over a month. New York, the town in which everything is moving and constantly changing, was focused on a little asian guy playing basketball for a month. That's tough to do.
Best Record-Breaking Performance - Mariano Rivera
I love Drew Brees, and the fact that he broke that record was simply amazing. However, what's often forgotten here, is that Tom Brady broke the record this past year too. Brees' achievements have to be tainted by that, right?
Best Game - 49ers at Saints
I didn't watch any of these games, but I know that there's no way a regular season college basketball game should be included on this list of choices.
Best Moment - Tebow to Demarylius Thomas TD - Sudden Death
I have to represent my new Jet, Tim Tebow, who will lead the Jets to the promise land.
Best Coach/Manager - Tom Coughlin
I truly don't know who Kim Mulkey, Patrick Murphy, or Darryl Sutter are. Coughlin wins because his team won the most popular sport in the country.
Best Comeback Athlete - Matthew Stafford
I want to give it to Santana, because I'm a Mets fan and his no-hitter was probably the greatest thing that's ever happened in my life. But, football will trump baseball every single time in an event like this.
Best Male College Athlete - Robert Griffin III
Davis is an absolute freak, but I think RG3 could steal the show. Davis is the most athletic, he's absolutely enormous and moves extremely well for someone his size, but Griffin is more flashy, and also plays football. Football wins again.
Best Female College Athlete - Brittney Griner
If she doesn't win, I will question everything in this world significantly more than I already do.
Best NFL Player - Aaron Rodgers
The NFL is a really tough sport for me to grasp a "best player." I'm banking on the fact that Rodgers is still gaining in popularity from when they won the Super Bowl, and hasn't peaked yet.
Best MLB Player - Josh Hamilton
This should also be a no brainer. I mean, let's be real here, the minute R.A. Dickey wasn't included on this list, it was a no contest in favor of Josh Hamilton.
Best NHL Player - Henrik Lundqvist
I want to give it to the best goalie in the league.
Best NBA Player - LeBron James
For all of the reasons stated above. Looks like he's going to go home happy tonight.