Wednesday, December 7, 2016

The Girls On The New Season Of The Bachelor Are... Interesting

ABC announced who's going to be competing for the love of "handsome software salesman" Nick this season, and right off the bat I'd like to say that I hate Nick's hair. I didn't watch his season of the Bachelorette, I know he fucked some chick over bigtime on Bachelor In Paradise, but really all I know about him right now is that his hair SUCKS.

Anyway, here are the 65 girls that are going to be competing for the right to blow him in the fantasy suite. I've combed through their bios to include one fun fact about each of them. I'm also going to include pictures "when applicable."


Hometown: Secaucus, NJ
Occupation: Aspiring Dolphin Trainer
Tattoos: Yes. I have an Aries symbol on my wrist and "smile with the rising sun" on my left hip.
What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done? Move to Miami alone!

I don't want to be offensive to the state of New Jersey. I don't want to jump to conclusions about females so early in this post.

But fuck it, we're going there.

The dolphin trainer with the words of wisdom hip tattoo who was raised in New Jersey and then moved to Miami might be the most likely person ever in any scenario to get way too drunk, fight someone, and then sexually assault the bachelor.


Occupation: Model
Height: 5'7"
What's your worst date memory? A guy putting down the name as "Batman" while we waited for a table. So immature.

You aren't a real model unless you're taller than 5'10", everyone knows that. And if you don't get a kick out of people giving a fake name at Starbucks or while waiting for a table then fuck you. 


I sincerely look forward to seeing this GIF tweeted 50,000 times every time they show Astird's name on the television. 


What are you most afraid of? Dying alone and just getting old and wrinkly.

Why don't we tone that crushing despair meter down a little bit?


Tattoos: Celtic knot that means eternity on my right foot
All-time favorite movies: Zoolander, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, Shawshank Redemption
If you could be any fruit or vegetable, which one would you be? Pineapple: Hawaiian, delicious, tropical, and pretty.
What is your favorite television show & why? Friends. I watch a million reruns and it never gets old.
What's your guiltiest pleasure of any kind? Big Mac Meal from McDonalds

This is all just so boring. Please mark me down as being OUT on Briana. 


How much do you like camping? A lot! As long as it's not cold outside
If you really wanted to impress a man what would you do? Cook him dinner. Because food is the way to a man's heart.

These answers might be cliche, but they are the correct cliche answers. 


Hometown: Tulsa, OK
Tattoos: Yes, one on my wrist. The life of Jesus in symbols.
If you could be any fruit or vegetable, which one would you be? A grapefruit!
What's your guilty pleasure television show? I used to watch DWTS and then pause the TV and practice all of the dance moves



A video posted by Corinne Olympios (@colympios) on

What's your guilty pleasure TV show? Frasier

I am very much into Corinne just strictly based on looks, but this answer kind of threw me for a loop. What kind of 24-year-old hot chick enjoys Frasier?

Danielle L. 

Tattoos: A lotus on the back of my neck, and two butterfly tattoos – one on the back of each ankle.
All-time favorite movies: A Walk to Remember, Love Actually, The Notebook
Who do you admire most in the world and why? I admire Chrissy Teigen. She's gorgeous, strong willed, and unapologetically herself. She and John Legend are couple goals!

Danielle L. was cast to play the role of "every fucking 27 year old girl to ever exist" and I personally think the producers nailed it. 

Danielle M. 

When and why did you leave your hometown? I lost my fiancรฉ and I needed to start fresh somewhere.
What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done? Moved to Nashville and put myself back together.

I think Danielle M. (who is 31) is the oldest member of the bunch, and she's also almost definitely gotten closer to marriage than anyone else. Have some tissues ready for the scene where she tells her story, because that'll certainly be a heartbreaker. 


Where do you meet guys? In the last few years I've met most guys at work or online via dating apps like Tinder and Bumble.

It's crazy that she now has to go on a dating show. Usually Dating Apps Like Tinder And Bumble are a great way to find a steady relationship. 


Where do you meet guys? I've been into dating apps like Bumble and Hinge lately. I'd prefer to meet through mutual friends or in front of millions of weekly viewers. :)

Look at Elizabeth making jokes! That's a good sign. 

What is your greatest achievement to date? Not just one thing. My life has been a journey of achievements that only I would appreciate.

Nevermind. Nope!


What's the most embarrassing thing you listen to? I am not embarrassed of anything I listen to and I openly am a Belieber.
What's your guiltiest pleasure of any kind? Picking my nose while driving. I can't help it and for some reason it's always in my car.
If you could be any fruit or vegetable, which one would you be? A grape so I would get better with age.

Here's either your winner or your next Bachelorette. I think everyone in America is already in love with her. 


Hometown: Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada
Do you have any phobias? I'm not into butterflies at all.

Well she definitely won't be as funny as Canadian Daniel from last year - in any context, starting a sentence with "so let's say you're Hitler" is hysterical - but at least we'll get some good Pardon My Take content out of her. 

Ida Marie

I was kind of all over the place reading through Ida Marie's bio. Her name is a pain in the ass, and her answers had me feeling just about every emotion that I am capable of feeling. 

Tattoos? Yes, on my ribs, my dad's date of birth in roman numerals.
This is a complete, utter, indefensible, psychopath move. Unless her dad passed away, this is maybe the most alarming tattoo that's existed on a person who is not addicted to hard drugs.

What is your favorite all-time book and why?: I need to read more books.
Who is your favorite author?: Again, I need to read more books.

I just included these two questions because, ABC, why the fuck did they get included in her bio?

What's your biggest date fear?: Falling or getting food stuck in my teeth.
'Oh, you know, I'm scared of overextending myself and not succeeding, leaving me with no financial stability and no clear path for my life, all alone by myself in the world. Or getting parsley in my teeth.'

If you could be any fruit or vegetable, what would you be?: Strawberry – they are sexual and taste great with wine.

(Sexually suggestive emoji)


Occupation: Chef
Hometown: New Orleans, LA
Do you follow a specific diet (i.e. vegetarian, macrobiotic, etc.)?: Pesco-pollo-lacto-ovo-paro-tarian.

Look for Jaimi next season on Whatever Cooking Show Runs On The ABC Family Of Networks!

Jasmine B. 

Occupation: Flight Attendant
If you could be any animal, which one would you be and why? An owl, so I could fly.

For someone who is constantly Doing Flight, she should probably realize that there are thousands of other things that fly and almost all of them are either faster, tougher, or more attractive than owls. 

Jasmine G. 

If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? Guy Fieri. He can cook. He gets to travel and eat food from all over the country and he is hilarious!

This is the correct response to this question. 


If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? Steven Hawking just to know what it's like to have a brain like that!

And on the other end of the spectrum, this is the worst answer in the history of this question. 


This is a great way to find out which of your friends are Riley Reid fans: just say "hey, what do you think of Kristina from The Bachelor?"


Lacey is very boring. My prediction is she'll be axed on the first night unless she has a dress that snaps necks. 


Age: 30
Occupation: Law School Graduate

Law school graduate but not a practicing lawyer. Hmmm. 


Occupation: Food Truck Owner
Hometown: Los Angeles, CA

It's going to sound sarcastic but I really truly mean it when I say Michelle is living the dream. 


What is the longest relationship you have been in and why didn't it work out? Four years. He became addicted to pain pills.

I'm trying to picture the venn diagram of guys who date cute Asian girls and also get addicted to painkillers, and I'm drawing a blank on what the fuck that guy looks like. 


Age: 31
Occupation: Attorney

Suck it, Lauren. 

What's your biggest regret you've had to date? Focusing too much on my career.
What are you most afraid of? That I've missed out on my chance at finding love.

Welp, I guess you can't win. 


How good of a cook are you? Terrible!

I read that in the Donald Trump Twitter Voice and now I can't stop laughing. 


Occupation: Grade School Teacher

Another meh contestant. She's probably gone on the first night. 


Tattoos: Yes, an elephant on my back, flowers on my side, bows on the backs of my ankles
If you could be a fictional character, who would you be and why? This may be extra girly, but I would want to be Ariel. She's a mermaid! Plus she has amazing hair and a seashell bra.

Well, Susannah, I think I am most definitely picking up what you're putting down here. 


What's the most outrageous thing you have ever done? Streaking

Just something to keep in mind throughout her time on the show. 


If you could be any fruit or vegetable, which one would you be? An onion because they're a stable item and can be found all year round.

I think this is a terrible answer, but now as I'm typing and considering I guess her reasoning makes sense? Nope, upon further review no girl ever should want to be a fucking onion. 


Occupation: Pilates Instructor
Height: 5'8"
What are your favorite sports? Hockey, golf, dance, and football.
What are your favorite foods? Fresh fruits, dark chocolate, pancakes, French fries

I think you have to have Whitney near the top (if not at the top) of your list of favorites. I'm anxious to see her in person, because if this isn't just a flattering picture and she's actually a knockout then we can just go ahead and cancel the whole thing. 

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