Breaking: The NHL Changed The Format Of The All-Star Game

Huge news out of the NHL today, as the league responded to John Scott's captaincy by changing the format of the whole damn game. The plan was to have one team from each of the league's four divisions, with the captains selected by the fan vote.

Well, they threw a giant curveball and changed the four teams! They're sticking with six forwards, three defensemen, and two goalies for each, but it's no longer based on the divisions:

Patrick Kane's Team Is Now Team USA

Forwards: Kane, Phil Kessel, Zach Parise, Max Pacioretty, Johnny Gaudreau, Jack Eichel

Defensemen: Justin Faulk, Dustin Byfuglien, Shayne Gostisbehere

Goalies: Cory Schneider, Jonathan Quick

Obviously, there is a full 23-man roster's worth of deserving USA guys, so feel free to disagree with some (or most) (or all) of these.

Alexander Ovechkin's Team Is Now Team Russia

Forwards: Ovechkin, Evgeni Malkin, Vladimir Tarasenko, Pavel Datsyuk, Evgeny Kuznetsov, Artemi Panarin

Defensemen: Andrei Markov, Fedor Tyutin, Dmitri Kulikov

Goalies: Sergei Bobrovsky, Andrei Vasilevski

In typical Russian fashion, this lineup is incredibly stacked with forwards and incredibly lacking with defensemen. But does that matter? Not really - it would just be nice to see one good Russian defensemen ever.

Jaromir Jagr's Team Is Now Team Old Man Strength

Forwards: Jagr, Jarome Iginla, Joe Thornton, Marian Hossa, Shane Doan, Alex Tanguay

Defensemen: Zdeno Chara, Dan Boyle, Marek Zidlicky

Goalies: Roberto Luongo, Henrik Lundqvist

These guys are all so old that they should have retired 2+ years ago, yet they continue to kick around the league and guide the stars of tomorrow from leadership positions in Arizona, Boston, Colorado, and New York.

John Scott's Team Is Now Team Beat You Up

Forwards: Scott, Tom Wilson, Wayne Simmonds, Antoine Roussel, Scott Hartnell, Matt Martin

Defensemen: Mark Borowiecki, Dylan McIlrath, Clayton Stoner

Goalies: Ron Hextall, Patrick Roy

I tried to make this team as good as possible while also making sure they could definitely beat up your dad. I also felt that it was in the team's best interest to use a pair of retired goalies instead of any of the pussies that currently play in the league.