There were a lot of characters in Chapter 2 that flexed a lot of muscle and threw up some pretty big numbers in the Power category. Or maybe Chris and I just inflated everything. Who knows. Here we go:
8. Rachel Posner - 5.1 points (Last week: Not ranked)
She might not even know how much power she has. But you get the feeling that since she's not a complete idiot, she might be able to turn her nighttime job into a recurring "let's ruin Russo's life" role on Team Underwood.
7. Remy Denton - 5.5 points (Last week: Not ranked)
He falls into a weird position between Claire and Frank. Claire can directly benefit from the money he and Sancorp can provide, but Sancorp's success depends a lot on what Frank does. It's a weird kind of non-romantic love triangle. Remy lost some points for choosing the money of corporate America over the power of political America. But he gained some back because the new Secretary of State supports his business.
6. Cathy Durant - 5.7 points (Last week: Not ranked)
Yes, that picture is from her days as President on 24. Yes, that probably influenced the rankings because we're big 24 guys. All of her points came from the fact that she's the new head of the State Department. Lots of Power, pretty significant Goal Accomplishment.
5. Roy Kapeniak - 6.1 points (Last week: Not ranked)
I couldn't find a picture of him so I just googled "dirty hippie" and picked the dirtiest of the hippies. He snuck up the rankings, because he hangs out with a naked stripper, backstabs significantly, accomplishes his goals in the process, and it all adds up to a pretty decent overall score.
4. Doug Stamper - 7.0 points (Last week: 8th)
Steals a quickie while he's paying off a prostitute. Power move. Ruins the life of a congressman because a more powerful congressman tells him to because it keeps him close to power. He scored fairly well on Goal Accomplishment, but only fairly well because "his" goals are actually "Frank's" goals.
3. Zoe Barnes - 7.5 points (Last week: 4th)
No Sex points (c'mon, writers) and a mild amount of backstabbing hurt Zoe. But her ability to basically decide who the new Secretary of State was resulted in the second-highest power score of any character. And it seems like her power is going to stay up in that range because Frank's tendency is to immediately text her when news happens.
2. Claire Underwood - 8.0 points (Last week: 3rd)
Absolutely ruthless showing out of Claire, making Evelyn fire everyone and then firing Evelyn. She cut nineteen people from the nonprofit and didn't bat an eyelash. She also convinced Frank to get in the habit of using the rowing machine.
1. Francis Underwood - 8.5 points (Last week: 2nd)
A serious lack of airtime for the President moved Frank into first place for the first time. No shot that it's the last time though, because Frank seems to always manage perfect scores for Goals and Backstabbing. He's also supremely powerful because he has pawns everywhere. Media, Congress, Presidential staff, legislative interns, State Department, everywhere.
Leave your thoughts in the comments or tweet us @bulletsblog!
Going into the first episode, we assumed that the power rankings - and the airtime - would be split pretty evenly as the show introduced characters and plotlines. For the most part, that's the way it went. Here are your top eight players in the House of Cards world for Chapter 1:
8. Doug Stamper, 4.5 points (Last week: There was no last week)
The chief of staff on Team Underwood gets most of his power and goal accomplishment points from doing Frank's dirty work. He's also really scary looking, which I'm sure helps him in conversations where he has to intimidate the chief of police/potential future mayor of Washington. He feels like the kind of guy who is going to score big in the future based on his ability to ride coattails and screw people over.
7. Peter Russo, 5.4 points
It's an Agualarchy. It's ruled by water (and honestly, who the fuck knows? It could be. China is a huge question mark). Russo maxed out his Backstabbing points by lying to his campaign donors, his local government allies, a police officer, and his girlfriend. He also had the only sex scene of anyone who is ranked in the top eight. However, he is now completely submissive to Frank so his Power score is down in Janine/Lucas territory (they aren't ranked).
6. Michael Kern, 6.0 points
I couldn't find a picture of him from the show, but here's him in a turtleneck. Power and Goal points for the guy who is on track to be the Secretary of State, slight deduction for the plastic surgery. Not much else to say about him other than he was grilled in the hallway when he walked past Frank.
5. Linda Vasquez, 6.3 points
Backstabbing Frank, keeping everyone in the dark about Kern, and being the gatekeeper for the leader of the free world means Linda had a big opening week. Sort of unrelated to the scoring, her quote about winning versus leading explains why Presidents run on platforms that say one thing and then don't necessarily stick to that when they're in charge. America.
4. Zoe Barnes, 6.8 points
HUGE episode for Zoe. Started by having her boss not know her name even though she's a smoke. Ended with a connection to the most powerful man in Congress. That's about as much as you can possibly do in terms of accomplishing your goals. She also received points for the Sexual category because of the picture above this and because of, "Oh, Brian, you're so sweet. But if I was going to fuck you, you'd know."
3. Claire Underwood, 7.3 points
Icy. Heartless. Connected. She scores fairly well in Power, Goals, and Backstabbing. No perfect scores in any of the categories, but she can tell her husband when he needs a haircut and she can tell her office manager when the office needs to be cut in half. I get the feeling that Claire won't fall far below the three spot in these rankings.
2. Francis Underwood, 7.9 points
I don't feel good about not having him in the top spot. This look terrifies me and I really don't feel safe in my own house knowing that he might be out to get me. The big downfall for the first episode was his lack of Goal Accomplishment. He thought he had Secretary of State locked up, and he got blindsided. Claire said it best: "How could you not see this coming?" But he did score very well in Power, and it was capped off by his final scene. "Nobody can hear you. Nobody cares about you." I can't find it on YouTube and it's a major failure on the internet's part.
1. Garrett Walker, 8.5 points
President of the free world, check. Promised the number two ranked character a promotion, didn't give him the promotion, and then kept him around to help, check.
Going to spend the entire season being crushed by Frank Underwood, check.
If you have not yet watched the first season of House of Cards, you are missing out. The whole thing is on Netflix, and once you get hooked it should take you three to five days to finish. It's a political drama (which doesn't sound super interesting), but believe me when I tell you that it's a gripping show. As we write this introductory post, we are talking about how it's by far the most political show we've ever watched. For 21 year old kids, the most political show that's ever interested us was 24. Don't ask me to choose between Jack Bauer and Frank Underwood because I will not make that choice.
Just know that you should be watching House of Cards, and following along with our power rankings. I've watched the whole first season. Chris has watched some of it. We're starting over (together) and doing an episode-by-episode power rankings on the blog. All of this will lead up to the launch of season two (also on Netflix) on February 14th.
Join in with us and give us your thoughts in the comments and on twitter. I'm @jaylike, he's @cmalone20, and the whole blog is @bulletsblog.
Here's how we're determining which of the characters is highest in the power rankings, out of ten points total:
Power (5.0 points) - Power is an ambiguous word. The President of the United States would seem to have the most power of anyone in the world. But we're thinking that we might find that he's handicapped by the other players in the government. So, for us, "power" just means "power" - it's entirely subjective.
Goal accomplishment (2.0 points) - This is significantly less open for interpretation. Everyone in the show - executive branch, legislative branch, corporate world - has goals. Ability to accomplish those goals is important.
Backstabbing (2.0) - Chris put it best: backstabbing is what puts people in the seats. It adds a whole level of intrigue to the show. Let's be honest. People stabbing people in the back is what makes politics interesting enough for a major television show.
Sexual prominence (1.0) - Sex sells. Plus, it gives Kate Mara and Kristen Connolly some incentive to take their clothes off.
This is completely a ripoff of a discussion that Bill
Simmons had with (Zach Lowe, I think but I forget) on the BS Report where they talked
about doing a column ranking the NBA nicknames in terms of relevancy. In
keeping with the theme that I’m completely copying Simmons’ whole schtick, this
broke down into five categories for me (in order from worst to best):
This blatantly makes no sense but we all know
why they’re called this
Why did you name your team this?
Nothing special, this nickname could work in any
city/sport
Good try
Nailed it!
This blatantly makes
no sense but we all know why they’re called this
30. Utah Jazz
29. Los Angeles Lakers
Which is greater: number of lakes in Los Angeles or number
of jazz flautists in Utah?
Why did you name your
team this?
Quick note on this category: we actually kind of know why
they named these teams the way they did. But still…. Why?
28. Brooklyn Nets
Back when they were the New York Nets, they had the whole
Nets/Mets/Jets thing going. Expect a name change soon. I’m sad to say that I
can’t make any more Jay-Z references when I talk about the Nets.
27. Indiana Pacers
Loosely related to auto racing. Not even slightly related to
basketball.
26. Los Angeles Clippers
You have to hope that LA gets San Diego’s Channel 4, because
a Clipper is actually an old ship used in the Civil War era. Can’t make that
up.
Nothing special, this
nickname could work in any city/sport
25-19 (tie). Atlanta Hawks, Golden State Warriors, Memphis
Grizzlies, Oklahoma City Thunder, Phoenix Suns, Sacramento Kings, Toronto Raptors
18-15 (tie). Chicago Bulls, Cleveland Cavaliers, Portland
Trail Blazers, Washington Wizards
Broke it up into two subcategories (names I like and names I
don’t). Quick notes: OKC was almost nicknamed the Twisters, which would have
been awkward; Raptors was better when Bosh was their best player because he was
also a mascot.
Good try I guess
14. New Orleans Pelicans
Only good if it gets shortened to Cans, because #MardiGras.
13. New York Knicks
I’m going to get a lot of shit for this, but Knickerbockers
just doesn’t do it for me.
12. Dallas Mavericks
11. Charlotte Bobcats
Because there are bobcats in North Carolina. When they
change to the Hornets, it will probably stay in this range. Allegedly, a
British commander during the Revolutionary War referred to Charlotte was a nest
of hornets. Not sure if he was referring to basketball, but I doubt it.
10. Detroit Pistons
9. Orlando Magic
8. Minnesota Timberwolves
Minnesota is the only state in the lower 48 with free-roaming
packs of timber wolves, which is a little bit terrifying. Also, #VamosWolves.
7. Miami Heat
Because it’s hot in Miami! Get it?
6. Milwaukee Bucks
This is pretty hypocritical, but I like the nod to big buck
hunting. Definitely a lot cooler than the Milwaukee White Tail Deer (the WNBA
team).
Nailed it!
5. San Antonio Spurs
Spurs -> Cowboys -> Hard work/Not flashy -> Tim
Duncan
4. Houston Rockets
The coolest part of the Rockets name is that the nickname
originated when the team was in San Diego. And then they moved to the home of
NASA and it just got that much better.
3. Denver Nuggets
Originally named for the Colorado gold rush of the 1800s.
Now twice as awesome because, you know, Colorado. And nuggets.
I feel like the title is the only description that you really need. Here we go:
Brad Paisley & Ludacris - Accidental Racist
I'm hesitant to even put this video in the blog. Just a terrible idea that was executed terribly.
Taylor Swift & T-Pain - Thug Story
I'm a tad biased here because I love Taylor but this is a really solid song in the Lonely Island-type of genre. Not so much a rap-country collaboration, really more of a pop singer rapping. But #IKnitSweatersYo so here we are. Still better than Accidental Racist. (Sound below, link to the music video here)
Nelly & Tim McGraw - Over And Over
The song that started it all.
Jason Aldean & Ludacris - Dirt Road Anthem
Luda made an appearance on the worst collab ever (possibly regardless of genre) but I really like him and Aldean. The southern born/raised attitude (even though Luda has spent a decade telling us he's from the hood) works for Luda. I don't know if I'd believe that he grew up in the same town as Jason Aldean, but it's definitely a good song.
Florida Georgia Line & Nelly - Cruise
I love everything about this song. The original version of Cruise is one of my favorite songs of the summer, and Nelly is awesome in general. I think the FGL guys are just not-redneck enough to make it believable that they would hang out with Nelly. And let's be honest - who wouldn't want to party with Nelly and Florida Georgia Line? (Side note: awesome music video. Classic no plot/hot girls/look at our cars video)
If you remember the podcast days (we're working on bringing it back to life - but we'll see) then you remember that my go-to move was just to go through the ESPN.com poll questions and make fun of how the votes broke down state by state.
Well guess what? I'm doing the same thing here, but in blog form so you can see the maps for yourself when they are relevant. (Quick note: there were 18 today so I'm skipping a bunch. Ain't nobody got time for that.)
1. How do you feel about the Yankees' decision to play Alex Rodriguez during his suspension? (OK with it/Not OK with it)
This is a pretty hard "Not OK with it" for me. The MLB supposedly has "a mountain of evidence" against him, so he's going to lose the appeal eventually. Do you really want him representing your team any more than he already has? As a Phillies fan, I can't say I'd want him on the field if he were a Phil - but that's kind of how I've felt for the past four or five years.
4. Tony Stewart broke his leg competing in a sprint car race. What do you make of drivers racing in extracurricular events? (Good way to keep sharp/Too much risk for injury)
Does Tony Stewart not normally race in sprint car events..?
6. If you were/are a Jets fan, would you listen to Rex Ryan's pleas to stop booing/jeering Mark Sanchez? (Yes/No)
Quick: what's the first thing that comes to mind when you think of Mark Sanchez?
I'd boo the shit out of him. Let's see what NY/NJ says:
The lesson: everyone hates you, Mark Sanchez
7. The NFL wants to penalize players who taunt opponents by spinning the ball. What do you make of the NFL's rules on celebrations? (Too harsh/Just right/Too lenient)
Let me start out by saying that anybody who thinks the NFL's policy on taunting is "too lenient"(6% of people who voted) is a "fucking dickhead." I miss the Owens/Johnson/Moss/Horn days of wide receiver celebrations. Gronk spikes. Flips. Salutes. Dancing. That's what makes football great. "Hey I just scored on you so for the next ten seconds you can suck me."
Anybody know what the policy is in the Arena League?
10. Kansas coach Bill Self said that the NBA would tempt him were an opportunity available. Would Self succeed as an NBA coach? (Yes/No)
I said no and the nationwide response was split 50/50, but the more I think about it my actual response would be "in the right situation, yes." From what I gather, he's an awesome teacher and he's really good at coaching college-age kids. Kansas is a fairly legendary program, but I'm sure that Self being the coach helps attract high-quality talent like Ben McLemore, Thomas Robinson, and the Morris twins.
You know what? I'm all in on Self in the NBA. Give him a young team that needs to grow together quickly. Sixers! Where you at!
11. Who will win the PGA Championship? (Tiger/The field)
It's the field. Don't be foolish.
12. What do you make of the Patriots and Eagles holding a joint preseason practice? (Good idea/Bad idea)
Racism! Murder! Dog fighting! Spying on opponents! Tonight on Smackdown!
In all seriousness, they're playing each other in Philly for the first preseason game so it probably makes sense logistically. I'm surprised either of these coaches would agree to it, though. Chip Kelly's system is supposed to change the game and we all know how hypocritically private Bill Belichick is. Maybe this is a sign that they've tempered their expectations for success and are buying into the NFL community more than team success.
Nah, it's about money. Definitely about money.
13. Would you want your team to draft Johnny Manziel in the first round? (Yes/No)
For me, it's a resounding yes. For America, it's a resounding no. 81% no and not a single state said otherwise. Texas, Philly, and New Jersey were slightly higher than the nation (looking good, Mike Vick and Mark Sanchez!) but nobody went any higher than 26%. I guess the "first round" bit is what's doing it - and that makes sense. But from a business perspective, he's worth more than a first round pick; he's bigger than the game. I have this fantasy that the NCAA suspends him (for making $7500 selling his own autograph) and he joins the Arena League and turns the Philadelphia Soul into Philly's fifth-biggest team (To the Union.. Gareth Bale is available if you want).
Side note: check out Jay Bilas' twitter rant from today. He really has a point - the NCAA needs to get its shit together on the issue of paying its star athletes.
That'll do it for today. I'm off to try to raise $170 million to bring Gareth to Philly.
I'm going to start off this preview of the most important TV awards show by listing the shows that I watch/have watched all of, just so you guys know where I'm coming from with my picks.
In the comedy department, I've seen all or most (or some) of the episodes (or at least all of the Netflix episodes) of:
Entourage
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
New Girl
Arrested Development
30 Rock
Parks and Recreation
Wilfred
Modern Family
And in the drama department:
Mad Men
Game of Thrones
Downton Abbey
Breaking Bad
American Horror Story
Boardwalk Empire
That list really tailed off at the end there, because me saying I've watched Modern Family and Boardwalk Empire is a humongous stretch. I've seen a handful of each.
The only other show I watch with any regularity (not including sports, obviously) right now is The Challenge: Rivals 2 - which somehow was snubbed from the Outstanding Reality - Competition Program category.
So, without anymore excuses, here are my picks for the 2013 Emmys. Keep in mind, I normally have seen around half of the shows in each category. If I've only ever seen one, well then you can bet your ass that my vote is going to that show.
Lead Actor - Drama Series
Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad
Hugh Bonneville, Downton Abbey
Damian Lewis, Homeland
Kevin Spacey, House of Cards
*Jon Hamm, Mad Men
Jeff Daniels, The Newsroom
Three for six ain't bad, but I'm taking Don Draper here. And it's not close. Here's where the bias comes into play: Cranston is awesome in the role of Walter White. Bonneville is convincing enough to make me think that he might actually be a rich old dude from the 1900s (or whatever). But Hamm as Draper is a role that everyone should idolize at least a little. He has so much confidence and so much passion in his work, and he started with nothing. At this point, Jon Hamm has reached Kiefer Sutherland status. Like how Kiefer and Jack Bauer are two interchangeable terms for the same person, Hamm and Draper are the same. To be fair, I guess you could say the same thing about Cranston and Walter White. But flip the actors' roles for a second - Hamm could play Walter, but I really don't see Bryan Cranston being able to pull off Don Draper.
Outstanding Host for a Reality or Reality-Competition Program
Ryan Seacrest, American Idol
Betty White, Betty White's Off Their Rockers
Tom Bergeron, Dancing With The Stars
Heidi Klum and Tim Gunn, Project Runway
Cat Deeley, So You Think You Can Dance
Anthony Bourdain, The Taste
*TJ Lavin, The Challenge (write-in)
Seacrest wins this every year, right? Well not on my watch.. Teej turned a solid BMX career into a long-term gig simply by redefining the host game. He still dresses like he's an 18-year-old kid who does tailspins and shit like that, and he doesn't actually bring too much to the table now that I think about it. But let me ask you this: could Seacrest or Betty White host The Challenge? No chance.
Lead Actor - Comedy Series
Jason Bateman, Arrested Development
Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory
Matt LeBlanc, Episodes
Don Cheadle, House of Lies
Louis CK, Louie
*Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock
Sheldon gets the fastest boot in history because he just plays a mildly autistic person and the whole show revolves around making fun of him. We'll look back in ten or fifteen years and think, "Really?" like we do now with the crows in Dumbo who act like stereotypical black people (in the most negative sense of the term) and are cited as "Jim Crow" in the credits. Seriously. Look it up. Just never should have been okay. Matt LeBlanc is right behind Parsons, and I haven't watched enough of Louie or House of Lies to pick either of them. What this comes down to is I love Arrested Development, but I love Jack Donaghy even more. He kind of falls into the same mold as Don Draper: an awesome example of what you should do to succeed in the office (however, safe to say that Donaghy > Draper in terms of what you should do out of the office).
Lead Actress - Comedy Series
Laura Dern, Enlightened
Lena Dunham, Girls
Edie Falco, Nurse Jackie
Amy Poehler, Parks and Rec
*Tina Fey, 30 Rock
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep
This is the heavyweight battle of the night for me, and you know who's fighting for it. Never heard of Dern, wacking Mrs. Soprano next, and then bye to that chick from Seinfeld. I think I would probably like Lena Dunham if I ever watched Girls, but she can't stand up to the big girls. Poehler and Fey. The dynamic duo. It's really tough to make a decision, because they play such similar characters in their shows. I'm going outside the box here, and picking Fey over Poehler because Fey doesn't have an annoying Best Buy commercial that should have never been approved to run during the Super Bowl. But the fight really is that close - it's like Magic vs. Bird in their primes only nobody has AIDS. (Is that the most overused comment when that comparison is made? Sorry. I'll do better next time.)
Outstanding Variety Series
The Colbert Report
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
Jimmy Kimmel Live
*Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Real Time with Bill Maher
Saturday Night Live
It would be easy to just give this to SNL and wrap it up with a one sentence description. But I'm not going to do that. And here's why:
Boom. Stop the fight.
Outstanding Drama Series
Breaking Bad
Downton Abbey
*Game of Thrones
Homeland
House of Cards
Mad Men
I'd love to have enough time to watch all of these in their entirety. But I don't, and I'm going with what I know. As someone who has watched all of the episodes - and read none of the books - Game of Thrones is perfect. I find myself so drawn to (almost) all of the plot lines (Sam Tarley is stupid). I cannot wait for it to come back, and I cannot wait for Arya Stark to take over the world.
Supporting Actor - Drama Series
Bobby Cannavale, Boardwalk Empire
Jonathan Banks, Breaking Bad
*Aaron Paul, Breaking Bad
Jim Carter, Downton Abbey
Peter Dinklage, Game of Thrones
Mandy Patinkin, Breaking Bad
This is the category where people are going to pretend they know so much about acting and TV shows and they'll say something about Peter Dinklage being the best actor in Game of Thrones. Well guess what? The actors are all great in that show and Tyrion gets special attention because he's a dwarf. To be honest, I'm fine with this award going to anybody - I wouldn't be surprised to hear any of the names called. But personally, I think Aaron Paul brings the most to the table. At times, I care more about him that I do about Walter. That doesn't happen for any of the other guys.
Supporting Actress - Drama Series
Anna Gunn, Breaking Bad
Maggie Smith, Downton Abbey
*Emilia Clarke, Game of Thrones
Christine Baranski, The Good Wife
Morena Baccarin, Homeland
Christina Hendricks, Mad Men
Huge triple threat match for me here: Grandma Downton, Daenerys Targaryen, and Joan Harris. Maggie Smith is a hysterical old woman and she brings some much-needed comic relief to a pretty stuffy show. I'm not even going to write anything about Daenerys. If you don't love her, go jump in a hold. And then Joan. I like her. But let's be real, Nobody is stopping the mother of dragons here. I don't know what happens in the story, but I wouldn't be surprised to see her move up to the Lead Actress category next year.
Supporting Actor - Comedy Series
Adam Driver, Girls
Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Modern Family
Ed O'Neill, Modern Family
Ty Burrell, Modern Family
*Bill Hader, Saturday Night Live
Tony Hale, Veep
This might not seem like a sure thing for Hader, because the Modern Family guys are great and so is Buster Bluth. But he's retiring from SNL and this would basically be a lifetime achievement award for him. This is the smartest money of the night (I don't know of anywhere to gamble on the Emmys) and I'd bet the house.
